This is hard for me to write. I typically don’t like to talk about things that make me feel…something. However, I also know the importance of using one’s voice to speak about their lived experiences. Speaking up about this may help others, or not, at this point it doesn’t really matter. I have always felt driven, I have had this need to be successful and come across as impressive or worthy of my humanity. You see, I don’t really feel like I’ve earned my humanity unless I am doing something useful. I can’t just be mediocre and live my life aimlessly. if I do there’s no point or reason for me to exist. All of this is extremely unhealthy, I know this but it doesn’t stop me from thinking it.
I think I have always thought this way. I remember being a child and feeling like…nothing. I would just feel so low because of things like grades, my social life, or my looks. It became terrible and at some point I walked around so focused on maintaining my academics that I neglected myself and my personhood. I don’t think I truly lived, I was so caught up and never grounded in reality. I did excel academically in the end and was able to go to a prestigious New England college. But looking back on my experiences have been painful and I don’t know if the sacrifices I made in middle and high school were worth it if it meant never being a true adolescent. What is the point of living life if you never get to experience it? I reflected on that in college, and tried to do better. I made friends, I started to develop interests, but because my college was extremely competitive, I still focused on being successful. All it took was one fluctuation in my grades, a B on a paper instead of an A, and I would be in my room crying. I had to work hard on my mental and physical health to survive college, and I emerged four years later with my humanity barely intact.
Entering the job market, though, was a test in being kind to myself. It’s so easy to get caught up in life and work and competing with others, that when you do realize that you are depressed or unhappy, it’s too late. My first job after college was in mental health. The position was dangerous for me physically due to the clients. I thought I could handle it, but it felt too much like looking in the mirror, so I left. I took an Americorps position to escape and moved far away to a place where I knew no one. I took on the new position in hopes that I would find whatever was missing. I wanted to be good enough, I wanted to be successful and worthy of being alive. I wanted to put my lifelong fears to rest. Of course it was too much to handle and I didn’t live up to my expectations. I did my job, I struggled though and continued to compare myself to others. I would log into facebook and look at my former classmates getting accepted into prestigious, sometimes Ivy league, graduate programs. I didn’t apply for grad school, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I continued to reach new lows. I started to be ashamed and stopped posting about my life, I stopped posting pictures because I started to neglect my physical appearance.
As my Americorps position drew to a close I began looking for work. I have interviewed for five jobs so far and have not received any offers. Three have rejected me outright and I am still waiting on two. I have not worked any of August, and as the month draws to a close I can honestly say it was among one of my most painful. I had to move to a new house, I lost my income, my old position sent me a check on accident that I had to return in sadness, and I have waited on a job that continues to tell me to just hold on, but then says they have no updates yet. All of these things have battered me. I feel so worn down searching for jobs as I continue to lose my humanity. There is nothing like going into a job interview to make you question who you are and whether or not you are worth anything. When a job says no, you start to doubt yourself and worry about your choices. I wonder if pursuing my dreams of work I am passionate about is worth it. If it causes me so much chaos, why do it? Maybe a regular nine to five not focused in education/social work/non profits would be better for me. But I also know deep down that I would find a way to question myself no matter what I do. All I can hope for is some peace, I just want to end this lifelong search. I want to feel human, I want to feel like I am not worthless.
Lifting As I Climb LLC 